July 8, 2018

On remodeling…

By In LifeBalance, Mindset

Build a life you love.

 When I was seven, my parents bought the old farm house my great-grandparents had lived in before they died. It had been well-suited for them and my grandpa and his brother growing up. But in the late 1980’s, a nearly hundred-year-old farm house was due for some upgrades. Over time, my dad touched every inch of that house and made it beautiful. It became our home, and though it’s been nearly twenty years since I’ve lived there, it still is home to me.

I used to describe my life as “under construction.” After all I changed careers, moved to another part of Minnesota, and ended an eighteen-year relationship in a little over a year. I went from someone’s wife to a single mother. From someone who knew where she was going to a girl lost. The pit in my gut resembled an archaeological dig site. So yea, there were some blueprints to work out. I would picture my life as that battered farm house and think, if my dad could transform something so worn, I could surely patch the holes and broken pieces of my life.

And sure enough, slowly they came together and the outcome has been beautiful. The life I built out of rubble and hope is more than I even envisioned it being. I have a fulfilling business, an incredible relationship, the most supportive friends and family, and the best well-adjusted kids.

Yet sometimes we build something that suites us perfectly, for a time. And then, as it should, life shifts and changes as do we. What was once fitting, starts to feel off. I knew several months ago my life needed some remodeling. There are so many things that are infinitely better than they once were. Because of that, I chose to ignore a crack in the foundation. We become so accustomed to life as we know it – to the quirks, the annoyances, the daily struggles – that we make constant exceptions even as the cracks grow deeper and longer.

I’ve seen where the path of forced ignorance leads. I’ve seen the outcome of the slow crumble. And I’ve learned. I know now it’s easier to remodel than to rebuild. So, before dissatisfaction leads to full on construction, I am tearing some walls down. I am taking a break from days fighting insurance companies for what is best for my patients. From the pressure of productivity versus quality. From unreasonable demands and even bullying at times.

Twenty years in healthcare means I have seen miracles and the most beautiful of moments. It also means I have seen people at their lowest lows. It becomes impossible not to get jaded and pessimistic. This fall, I will not start my days looking at lab results and consult notes. Instead I will start my days focusing on making breakfast for my kids, doing yoga on the deck, and connecting with my extraordinary business partners. Is healthcare dead to me?! No way! And I suspect I will be back sooner than later.

But for now, I am in the business of remodeling and every detail matters. The finished product is about to be amazing.



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