June 2, 2019

On becoming…

By In HealthAndWellness, Mindset

You become who you believe you can be. 

Whether you think you are trash or treasure, you are right. For years, I held very little esteem for myself. I didn’t think I was worth good things. I felt guilt for everything. I always thought I should do better, be better. I was depressed. I wasn’t my best as a mother because I doubted everything. I held back. I cried most days. I had no belief I could become anything different. 

Shortly after my ex-husband moved out, my oven stopped working. Just one more thing to worry about I’m sure I thought. I was muddling through graduate school and so overwhelmed with parenting and paying bills on one income that minor setbacks felt like major catastrophes. Someone came to look at it and told me it would cost more to fix it than to replace it. Shit shit shit. 

I bought the new oven. It was delivered and the old one was taken away. And then I realized it was not installed. And installing it didn’t mean plugging it in. I needed to hook it up to the gas and though I’m a smart lady, mechanical things aren’t my strength. But I really needed an oven again. So, with YouTube in one hand and my dad on Facetime in the other, I got it done. 

That sounds so trivial but it was the first time I felt like, “I can do this.” I had adjusted and stayed level-headed. I thought things through. I didn’t cry. I figured it out. I could become someone who installed gas stoves! That’s the thing about becoming someone else. You just have to believe you can. Once that door opened for me, I realized not only could I fix things in my house, but I could fix things in my life. 

And so can you. You can become the person who you thought you could be before all the doubt crept in. You can become the person you look up to. You can become the person on social media who seems to be so fulfilled and happy. You must define what that looks like for you, and DECIDE to believe it can happen. 

I decided I wanted to be someone other people, especially my kids, could look up to. I decided I wanted to inspire people. Not seeing my worth, feeling guilty and depressed, being too hard on myself, and holding back were not things that would inspire anyone. And they were for sure not things I wanted my kids to emulate. So, I decided and slowly, I believed. 

My belief came in small moments like hooking up my stove. It came when I paid a bill on my own. It came when I took the kids to the park and saw they could still find joy even with divorced parents. I became the woman I am today in small moments of baby steps and that is how you will too. I didn’t wake up one day with confidence, I didn’t wake up grateful, I didn’t wake up feeling stronger. A thousand small steps brought me to those things. Don’t expect an AHA moment or you will be disappointed and give up. Instead expect nothing will go as expected but you will become better anyways.

I am still in the process of becoming. I will spend my entire life believing I can be even more. I can be more grateful, more inspiring, more courageous. So can you. I will also always honor where I am at on the journey but as Rachel Hollis says, I know we are all made for more. 

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